Focusing on what you want? Why is it destroying you?

Focusing on what you want may not be what can move you forward. I know this may seem paradoxical and counterintuitive and go against everything that everyone is preaching. Single focus on one thing and one thing only where I have to have that thing is a hoax. It’s something that people have made up when they could not put in words or otherwise explain how they got success.

Let me ask you this then… ‘’Why do so many people who go to self-development seminars fail? I mean don’t the teachers provide the same framework that helped them get rich or have a ‘’better life’’? Why don’t they succeed?

And the reason is that they focus on it too much. They want it and they go out to get it. They try and try and try again and fail miserably. Why is that? It’s because they want it too much! And when you want something too much you also have the fear in the back of your mind that it may not happen. You may be aware of that feeling sometimes but you push it away. Thinking that you shouldn’t have it, that you should only focus on the result. ‘’You should only focus on the result’’ is the most sought-after answer.

This is why people fail in relationships, in work, in business, and even in bed when you really want to have an orgasm, you don’t, because you arrest the natural process by striving to have something which only happens if you let it happen naturally.

The best thing anyone can do is to go and do the thing that they want to do and accept any result that may come after putting in all this effort. Accept that maybe you may never get the thing you are pursuing. Now this is fear at its highest, because people will ask… but why go for it if I expect it to fail? To which I would say, you are not expecting to fail, you are just not tied to the result.

And when you are not tied to the result freedom happens. You shoot the hoop at exactly the right moment, you make the decision at exactly the right moment, you end the relationship at exactly the right moment and you move on with a lightness in your heart.

You know you have done all that is to be done and are content with it. If you can do this, you will be happy even if you fail at something. Because it is not the end of the world and it is not the end of you.

You can move on and change or correct course with a level head, and thinking is not affected by the setback. You will be able to continue where others can’t, because you are now unaffected by your circumstances, by what happens or what comes your way. You know that you can always do something. You know you can move forward.

But if you still hold on to the result when you have a setback, you feel stuck, you feel the world is coming to an end and you cannot think of a way out. And that is how people remain stuck for many, many years. They just hold on and can’t seem to let go. Please reconsider your grasp on the result of whatever you are doing and you will see, as I have, that life will get easier and easier until each day when you wake up you have happiness in your heart and enjoy your day.

Thank you

Peace and love 😊

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Going Into The Darkness And Coming Out Into The Light

So, what do I mean by going into the darkness and coming out into the light? Well, I mean that you face your fears and you overcome them. By facing your fears, you will learn just how big of a grasp they have on you. You can think about them all you want and can make plans as much as you like but it will never change anything.

Facing your demons is the only way you will ever accomplish anything! I like that statement because everyone uses it, everyone intuitively knows and believes it is the truth. But the paradox is, almost nobody is willing to try it. They may be fed up with the fears or limitations they have. But then, after a few short days or sometimes weeks of trying to get out of it, or to conquer it, they give up.

It becomes too hard and too real at the same time. So, they quit. And then another period where they get fed up comes and they try again. And again, it becomes too real or too hard and they quit, and the cycle keeps repeating itself and no one ever gets anywhere. And then old age comes, and you see the futility of what you have done until now. And now… well now it’s too late to do something about it.

Against any popular belief there always comes a time when it’s too late to do anything about it. And when you reach that point, regret sets in, and your heart will be sorrowed. Because you know if you just kept at it eventually you would have gotten it. But you didn’t!

Now this is the story of 80% of the population. That is a massive percentage and knowing it makes you think… ‘’If I will regret this when I am old, why the h**l stop now? Why, if it’s hard, stop. If I’ll regret it, why stop?’’

Well, the thing is… you think you have time. You think you have time to succeed at it. And if you fail now, maybe you try again later. This can be in anything. I once saw a lady saying she needs to stop letting people take advantage of her and she was over sixty. I always wanted a six-pack, but I never really went to the gym more than a couple of months each time. Thinking I have time. Now I’m in my mid thirty’s and still don’t have a six-pack. And if I go on like this I may never will!

The point is you need to do it! And it’s going to be uncomfortable at first, it will hurt, it will feel the worst. But then it gets a little bit better and a little bit better and a little bit better and so on until you can’t remember when you felt or looked like that. And that is moving through life in the top 20% of people. Life is not just to be survived. life is to be lived!

Love

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Why do we not reach our goals?

In other words, why don’t you do what you say you’re going to do? Why don’t you go further than what you perceive is needed? I don’t know how better to answer those questions than by telling you a story. With a scientifically proven method ingrained in it…

Let’s say you want to get rich. Have enough money that you will be comfortable and can play a little with. Buy nice cars and whatever you’re interested in. And you think of a business and start working at it. And you work and you work, and a few years go by with nothing to show.

Now you are getting restless. You feel burnt out. And you lose your motivation. And you just go through the motions. But you don’t believe you’re going to make it anymore. It’s taken too long and you’re tired. Psychologically you’re spent. You don’t want it anymore!

But you’ve put so many years and resources into this. Are you just going to give it all up? Are you just going to stop? And listen to all your friends and family who see how miserable you’ve become. You can! And there is no shame in that if you believe the business, you’re pursuing is not worth it or it can’t be successful.

But deep down you know you don’t want to quit. And at one point you stop caring if you’re going to succeed. You work at your business, but now… You have time for your family, your friends, and anyone who needs your help. You go to work, and it doesn’t bother you anymore. If you have results, it’s great and if you don’t it’s also great!

And you see you get momentum. You start having the enthusiasm you had at the beginning. But you have it with a truckload of experience now. And you start to have small successes. And small successes turn into bigger and bigger successes.

What just happened here? You’ve gone from wanting to quit and hating your life to moving forward and being happier in the process. Well, you’ve gone through what I call ‘’hitting the wall’’. Scientists call it the hope study. But I prefer ‘’hitting the wall’’.

You see when you think you can’t anymore. You’ve just hit the wall. It’s your body and brain’s way of telling you you’ve reached the threshold. From then on, your brain and body don’t know what will happen. What damage can occur? So, they try to stop you.

But by accepting that you will go on even if you may not get what you want. You have short-circuited that resistance. And now you have freedom. And the extent to which you can go is basically endless. You see, most people stop when they hit the wall. Even if they think they have moved past the wall a long time now. They haven’t! How can I tell…

Because when you hit the wall and move past it, you don’t care or need results anymore. You just do what you want to do. And you do it without fear. Or if the fear is there. You don’t care anymore. But this is not a sad predicament. You feel alive and energetic. And you put to use your experience. And it’s a great way of living and working.

Hope this helps and inspires you to keep on going!

Peace 😊

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‘’Why Giving Your Best Keeps You Stuck’’

We all are taught in this Western culture to give our best. To strive to become the best at what we do. To be the all or end all. To go beyond what is possible and succeed in life with flying colors. Because that is when we will be enough.

We must work our a*s off in such a way that nobody can deny our presence. But this thinking, if you really look at it, is very flawed. And why is that? Aren’t we supposed to want the best for ourselves? Aren’t we supposed to be better, to help others, to provide everything for our families? How can you say that?

Well, look at it like this…

Every person that goes out of their way with the thinking that they have to be the best, to give their best, or just dominate so they can get what they want. Has failed to be just that.

If you look at documentaries of great people. You will see that they never thought about giving their best. They never wanted to get out the greatest product or be the best that they could be at their sport. Even if they say in interviews that they did. If you study their life, that is not the way they operate.

That is one of the reasons that watching their interviews and trying to do what they say can be and is very challenging. Because it is not true. They may think it’s true. But as I’ve said if you study their life and habits. They are doing exactly the opposite of what they ‘’think’’ they are doing. So, what is that thing they’re doing…

In a few words… ‘’They just do!’’

They go out and do things. They try and they fail and get up and try again. They don’t try to be the best or give their best. Every athlete who has ever succeeded does this. They just go for it! That is the underlying theme. Of course, they want to win. But it’s ok if they don’t!

Now for the average person. Not getting what you want the first time. Feels like the end of the world. And they think ‘’ I need to do better!’’. So, they try to be better next time. And they fail. And they try to be better. And fail again. Until they reach a point where they give up. And settle for less.

The act of trying to be the best, of trying to give your best, of having to succeed. Puts a bind on your actions. In other words, it keeps you back. It keeps you from fulfilling your dreams. Because you just have to have them!

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How To Choose to Be Happy

Yes, you read that right. We choose to be happy! We don’t wait for happiness to just happen. We need to choose that state. But we don’t do it because we think that is not natural. You can’t just choose to be happy. Happiness has to come to you, doesn’t it? It needs something to happen so that I can feel happy. I can’t just be happy without anything happening because that is just fake.

That is how we feel on a daily basis. I once told my wife that I could feel happiness and a feeling of great joy by just using my thoughts alone. And she looked at me and said… ‘’Yeah! But isn’t that fake’’?

And that is how all of us feel. We have thought since we were kids that happiness should come from achieving the things that we desire. If we don’t get them, it means that we have no reason to be happy. And furthermore, we should maybe feel a little sad. Because that might push us to get the thing that we perceive will bring us happiness.

But that is a way of thinking that has brought more sadness in the world than anything else. That thought that you can only be happy when you achieve something or receive something that you desire brings only misery and heartache.

Think about it for a moment. Let’s say you’re in love with someone and they reciprocate that love back. You feel tremendous joy and exuberance that nothing can compare. And after a while, you break up. Because even if you are so in love, the relationship is extremely toxic. And you feel sad for a while but come to reason that it was for the best. And you sometimes think of them and how it was in the beginning. And you get this rush of happiness and joy. What just happened there?

The person is no longer in your life. But you just manufactured those feelings inside of you. On your own! Just by thinking about it. That means that you can evoke them anytime you desire. You can feel tremendous joy and happiness by just choosing to feel it. And not wait for something outside to trigger you into feeling happiness.

What I did was, when I stumbled upon this. Was to think of a time when I was truly and utterly happy. I remembered that feeling. And then I looked at what part of the body I felt. And then I repeated the feeling in my mind and tightened that body part. Which for me is the throat. And now whenever I want to feel happy, I activate it and I feel happy and joy and well-being.

But something else happened after that. By doing this daily I started to look at things differently. Only going outside and looking at the sky fills me with joy. Doing small stuff fills me with joy. I look at things with more kindness and warmth. I slowed down and stopped to smell the roses so to speak. And it’s a wonderful feeling to be in.

This does not mean I don’t have bad days. But they are more manageable. And they pass more quickly than before.

You originate happiness. It doesn’t just happen to you. You do it!

And if you understand this concept, you will bring something into your life that will change everything. The way you are now will get an upgrade so to speak. Life will begin to be filled with joy and exuberance every day. And in my book, that’s all worth it!

Thank you!

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Do Ideas Make Our Lives Better?

Do ideas make our lives better? That is a question of magnitude proportions. So why am I saying that? Is it because I don’t think ideas are improving our life or business or whatever it may be?

Questions, questions, questions. We ask questions all the time. When will my life start? Or when will I get that raise or when will I be happy? And so on!

But the thing is, we only ask these questions because we are not happy where we are. So, we look for ideas that will enhance our life. And the biggest one of all…

Is the idea of making a business that will bring enough money so that we are comfortable or even rich. Isn’t it?

We put our life on hold. And we think we will be happy when we realize our idea and our plan. And we will have no worries at all. Everything will be perfect!

We will have no more money problems or any kind of problems. We will have a better house, in a better neighborhood. We will go out and not worry about money. Or we could take care of our family better. In other words…

‘’We are waiting for our life to start!’’

But here is the kicker… 99.9% of the people stop at the idea level. Yes, you read that well. So, what we do is…

We have an idea to better our life and we keep it with us all the time. We think how it will change our lives and we imagine how good our life will be. But we don’t take any action toward making it a reality. Or we take some little steps, sometimes. And then we put it on the shelf for when we are not that busy. So, we stay stuck!

After a while of keeping this idea in our heads. We start thinking we will succeed no matter what because we have thought about it so much. And years go by and nothing changes. We are where we left off. Only worse, because now we are older, and we have more responsibilities.

So, you see, thinking about something and doing it are two separate things. Once we have an idea that we think will better our life. We should immediately act on it. Take a small step toward making it a reality. And then every day do something that propels you forward. And if you do that, two things will happen…

You will have success, or you will find out that it’s not for you. Each of these two things has given you a great gift. If it did work, you succeeded faster than just procrastinating and waiting for the right moment that may have never come.

And if you didn’t, you learned very fast that that idea was not for you. You may find out that you don’t really like it, or you are just not that good at that particular thing. And that is wonderful news. Because you did not wait for years to get that answer. And now you are free to think about something else. That may work!

We don’t start because we are afraid to fail. And we think that if we give it more time or think about it more our chances of success will be higher. But as you see, that is not the case. That just breeds inaction and insecurity. And you will never lift off the ground on your journey.

So, start! And just do! Act on your ideas so you can see if they work. Because if you don’t. You will wait for something that may never come.

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Asking For Help

The Hidden Superpower

I don’t know why, but asking for help always came easily to me. I don’t know how to do many things. I only do the things that I am interested in. But I resolve to do everything that comes my way by asking for help.

I will go out and ask anybody who will listen and most of the time I get what I want. Without me even doing the work. And I don’t pay for it either (most of the time; sometimes I give a little gift as a thank you). Asking is just that powerful!

But most people don’t do it. Partly because they want to do it themselves and partly because it’s very hard for them to ask. Because what if the person says no?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but if the person says no, then you are no worse than you were before. Do you understand that?

Because if you do. Then you are on your way to success in getting the help you want or need. And always trying to do things by ourselves comes from being afraid to ask. In other words…

‘’Being afraid of rejection.’’

And rejection hurts. Sometimes it hurts so bad we can’t even take it. But what is it about rejection that hurts so bad? And the answer is…

‘’We want to be liked and we want the thing we are asking for.’’

If the statement above doesn’t make any sense let me explain…

As long as you are attached to the outcome you will feel fear. Fear of not getting it or not being liked. But if instead of that, you let go of the outcome and you say… ‘’I will just ask and see what will happen’’. No psychological damage will incur. And you will be free to move forward.

There is something in this world called paradoxical intention. Coined by the famous psychologist Dr. Viktor Frankl. Which basically states that whatever you are trying to do you will get the opposite. In other words, if you are trying to do something you will most likely fail at it. Because you are trying to get it. And that puts a bind on it. It can’t happen naturally anymore so it fails. Try telling a baby to play because you want somebody to see him play. It will just bug the child and don’t know what to do. Because playing comes naturally. He doesn’t have to think about it.

I played volleyball for many years. And whenever I would try to succeed at doing something in practice or in a game. I would fail miserably. But when I would just do the thing and not even think about succeeding at it. It always came through.

I remember once, when our team was asked by some scientists from the university of medicine in my home town. To come and help them in a study by having them read our brain wave patterns. We said yes and went there. Now, the chief scientist was never an athlete. And she was asking me about how I prepared for doing a particular drill at practice. She went on by saying… ‘’You really need to focus and be conscious of every move you make to succeed at it’’.

And before I could answer, her assistant, a young undergraduate student. Who played basketball said… ‘’It’s best when you don’t think about it, isn’t it?’’. And I said yes. And the head scientist was a bit shocked about the answer.

This goes to show that we get in our own way by trying to succeed at the thing we want. In this case, asking for help. We need that yes. And because we need it, we become stuck.

All the people that have succeeded, have used this principle of not caring about the outcome and just doing. If you look at all the famous billionaires right now and listen to their stories of how they got to where they got. You will see that at some point they hit rock bottom, or they loved what they did so much that the outcome didn’t matter.

You see it, especially in the stories where they have hit rock bottom. People misunderstand it. They think that at rock bottom the only way is up. But I’m here to tell you it isn’t. If you hit rock bottom and still cling to the outcome (your life or money). You will sink lower until it’s all over.

But what happened to these people who succeeded was that when they were at their lowest. They gave up wanting the riches or the fame or anything. A calm came over them and they just went forward with no desire. They have accepted the worst thing it could possibly happen. And they became ok with it.

So, by removing their blockages. They freed up their energy, and it was all uphill from there.

So, to sum up…

Ask for help and stop caring about the outcome. Stop caring if the person laughs at you or thinks you’re stupid or whatever. Just ask! And your life will change!

 

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Just A Little Tweak And Your Dreams Come True

You only need to find your little tweak and you will achieve the life of your dreams. In nature, there is this principle that many have noticed, scientists and the like. That nature only needs one infinitesimal action to produce phenomenally big results. Fruit fly eggs for example only need a quarter of a millisecond of light in order to hatch all at once.

Now that, puts things into perspective.

In my life, I have seen this process in action many times. But never could put it into words until now.

I remember when I was trying to swim at the bottom of the pool, and I couldn’t for the life of me. I would just float right back up. But when I made a small change to how I was keeping my head. I could swim flawlessly underwater.

Or practicing a dance lift with my wife for our wedding. We could just not do it. And one very small tweak later and we could do it flawlessly. Incredible!

I think we all have found these little tweaks sometime in our life. But we could never put it into words. We thought it was the hard work that paid off. Or some other thing. And after we succeeded at it. We remained with the impression that we need to work extremely hard to get to where we want. But you see…

‘’That is not true’’

We don’t need to make everything hard. While hard work is important. Knowing this principle, you will achieve anything faster. Only if you go with it. Only if you look for these little tweaks that can help boost you forward faster. And then learning something becomes something fun and entertaining. Instead of some gruesome work, you need to do.

So be aware of them and look for them. Look for the small stuff. Look at the details of what you want to achieve. And test them. And you might find a golden egg a lot faster than most people.

If anything, just know this…

Starting out shouldn’t put you off anymore because you might think it’s a lot of work. What you do, is just start and look for these incredibly small tweaks and apply them. And you might just be amazed at how many things you are capable of.

 

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The Need For Perfection And Our Habit Of Quitting

The Need For Perfection And Our Habit Of Quitting

Whenever we try something new. Or we really want to learn a new skill. We are motivated and very hopeful. That that skill will solve the immediate problem we have. So, we go into it with all we have. We believe we must give it one hundred percent, or we will never acquire it to the degree we need it to. In other words, it just has to be perfect.

And that is where all our problems begin. Because that need for the thing to be perfect is so strong that every step that doesn’t go according to plan brings us disappointment and stress. Which in turn gives us the false impression that what we try to learn is incredibly hard. And that only some of us can do it.

But it shouldn’t be like this!

We take ourselves out of the race even before it has begun. Why?…

Because our expectations don’t match reality. We only look at the success that people have. But never wonder how they got that good. I remember once talking with a client about football. And I asked him who does he think is better, Cristiano Ronaldo or Messi. And his answer was this…

‘’ I think Messi is the better player because he is raw talent. Cristiano Ronaldo just works hard!’’

That left me speechless for a few seconds. But that is exactly how most of us feel. We revere people that we believe have talent. Only because that seems like something God has given, and it excuses us from failing to be like them. Saying… ‘’I just don’t have his talent’’.

But what we don’t see, or what we choose not to see. Is that these talented people work and have worked very hard at what they do. Some might have a slight genetic advantage. But as we see everywhere that is not enough. You see short guys playing in the NBA and being All-Stars. You see short and stubby boxers knocking out everybody that stands in their way. So, genetics is a very, very small part of the equation.

We like to use talent as an excuse for why we quit. Why we didn’t see it through. But that is all it is… An excuse!

So, we remain stuck for a long time. Possibly all our lives. Because we don’t understand that it doesn’t have to be perfect in the beginning. And is supposed to be frustrating. But if we don’t expect to be good at it immediately. And we just start doing it. And practice it at our own pace. Even 5 minutes a day counts. At some point, we will see we have started to become good at it.

We start having success. And then we see something else…

We want to take it to the next level. Because now we have the confidence that we might actually be able to do it. And we invest more time into it. And we have our ups and downs. But in the end, if we stick with it and don’t obsess about making it perfect, we will get to be very good at it. And at that point, we start enjoying the process and start to add our own twist to it. And that makes the skill that we do unique.

And we go from quitting to winning, to having fun. And not worrying about it being perfect!

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Same Hardware But Different Software

Same Hardware But Different Software

We all have two hands, two legs, a torso, and one head. Hence, the same hardware but the software is most of the time, if not always different. And by software, I mean… What we internalize as being the truth. For example…

My mother does not know how to swim, but she liked the water so when she went to the beach, she would stay most of the time in the water. With the water reaching up to her chest. But one day she fell into a sinkhole. And couldn’t get out. Three men saw her and immediately jumped to save her. And they did (heroes in my book)!

But she remained emotionally scared by the experience and now she is no longer comfortable in the water. She installed software that now has a ‘’bad’’ output. Which brings out the strong emotion of fear, she felt that day, every time she gets near the water.

And that happens to all of us. But here is the kicker…

We make it worse by trying not to feel those feelings. We get so used to them that we think they are part of who we are (I am just somebody who’s afraid of water!). We identify with fear or stress. And we forget it’s not us. It’s just a program that we have installed.

I recently saw a video of people walking on a bridge that was very high up on a mountain. And two girls caught my eye. They were the same age, the same height, and even the same hair color. And one was extremely afraid to walk on the bridge while the other just strolled through like there was nothing to be afraid of. She was completely at ease. They were the same in all respects. But the programs, they accepted as true, were different.

One has accepted that heights are frightful while the other accepted them as something beautiful and not dangerous at all.

So you see…

‘’We make our own hell’’.

And that is what keeps us stuck. That is why we don’t take action. Because we think those programs we’ve installed in our brains and bodies are ‘’us’’. But they’re not! The you who is in there is not afraid. Never!

What happens, is that while in that strong emotional state. Our neurons fire and wire and build a habit (program). Those are not only the neurons in our brains. But the neurons in our bodies as well. Yes, we have neurons in our bodies. Especially in our hearts and gut. And they remember those feelings.

And when we are in a similar situation. Our body sends a signal to our brain. Our brain creates a mental picture of the event. Even if it’s not happening right now. And then the pituitary gland instructs the hypothalamus to secrete the hormones you need for that program. Such as fear, anxiety, etc.

And when those feelings arise. We freak out and try to do everything under the sun to get rid of them. But by doing that. By trying to suppress them, we make them stronger and keep them with us. Sometimes our whole life!

So, what to do about this…

First, you need to understand that those feelings are ‘’not you’’. They are just the result of a program you have installed and accepted as true. If somebody else can stay calm in the situation you find uncomfortable. That is empirical proof that you can too.

So, you accept this as the first step. And then be willing to feel the feelings. Let them be and just watch them. Look at them and let them be. Breathe in and let it go!

Once you understand that those feelings are not from you but from the experience you have accepted as true. And are willing to feel them, breathe in, and let them be. In other words… Accepting them! Accepting that you feel this way and not trying to do anything about it. You will find that they will disappear after a period of time.

And you will be able to do things you never thought you could ever do.

And that is a beautiful thing!

 

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