I used to be a very consistent church goer when I was younger. I credit this to my grandma, who kinda pushed me in that direction. So I went every Sunday. But it went terribly wrong…

I went there because I thought I should. All good people go to church don’t they. You have to repent for all your sins and be extremely good. Because that’s what God wants, doesn’t He. Or otherwise in his all mighty goodness will smite you. And you won’t go to heaven. 

Every Sunday I heard that. If it was not said, it was implied, we are all sinners and need to repent. So I believed it. I tried so hard to be a good christian and a good person. I had to let go of all my ”bad urges” and only be good.

Well I did  that for a couple of years until something happened. By consistently trying to be good. My brain had enough and started cursing God and all that is holly quite strongly in my mind. At first I freaked out. I said ”this couldn’t be, why is this happening to me”. Until one night I cried my eyes out. Balling uncontrollably. But here is the kicker. I wasn’t doing it because I loved God. But because I was afraid God will smite me. 

And that in a nutshell is what every good church goer is feeling. They can say as much as they want they are going to church because of love for God. But that’s not true, is it. And they try and try to love Him and if they’re honest with themselves they can’t.