On Childhood Trauma

We see around us people that are shut off. They have their hands crossed and backs arched and have a hard time looking people in the eye. And we don’t like them. We think they’re weird and not fun to be around. But they are normal, only they can’t express themselves very well. They find difficult what most people find easy and effortless.

Most of them had traumas in their life they couldn’t deal with, so they shut off from the world. Their life was turned upside down. And usually, happens when they are young. They don’t know how to ask for help, even if they desperately need it. They are bullied and laughed at.

They find life a living hell. They wonder and always ask… Why me? Why am I not like the rest of them? Why has this happened to me? Why can’t I move past it?

Their inner world is a tornado that you just can’t see from the outside. They look with envy at how well others can communicate and get along. How easy it is for them to talk to other people or make eye contact. And they just retrieve in their own small world. And imagine being the heroes of their own story.

Growing up, my mum was always stressed because we didn’t have enough money. She was working very hard. She beat the s**t out of me when I’ve made a mistake. And my stepdad, once my brother was born, threw me aside. And didn’t show me any love anymore. So maybe I felt I didn’t deserve love. I don’t know!

Needless to say, I didn’t do well in school. I would blush and couldn’t make eye contact with any girl. Everybody thought I was weird. But I just didn’t know how to get out of that state. I would see my colleagues have fun. But I couldn’t do what they did. I would just go home and before bed imagine I was a hero… I had the girl, I had the body and I had the skills.

I just wanted love, but I didn’t know how to get it. So, I muscled along the grades.

But this is not a pity story, I am trying to paint here. I acknowledge this is a hard predicament for someone to be in. But if you show these people pity. You will only do them harm. Because in their quest for love, for being liked. They will take pity! It will feel like acceptance to them. And they will remain stuck. I know I did that, I would take anything. Just to feel included. But that is the wrong way of thinking. And very dangerous. It keeps you stuck for a long time.

So, if you want to help. You have to take them out of their shell at a very slow pace. And have a lot of patience. But if you don’t see anything special in them. You just don’t take the time to do that because it’s too much work and you get mostly nothing out of it. So, they, like myself, are left to their own.

And they will go on like that until their desire to have a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or a ‘’normal’’ life is greater than the bubble they’re in. And then, magic happens. They don’t just go for it. Once they are committed, they go all in. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

That is what I did. One year before finishing high school I had enough. I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted my life to change. So, I burst out of my bubble and went all in. In a very short time, I was a new man. I had several girlfriends and people wanted me around. Because I became fun!

When we are in this stuck state, we don’t see a way out. And we are mostly just looking with envy at the people that ‘’have it so easy’’. And in some weird and twisted way, feel, that we are special. And ‘’they’’ are just idiots or bullies or something like that. And we just know what’s best. And we only see the world as bad or as turning its back on us.

You see, for a person living with some sort of trauma everything is about them. They don’t get me! It’s them against me, the idiots! But the thing is, it’s not. We’ve gotten so used to living in that state. That we think, that is just how things are. And because of all our pain, we feel entitled and right. We just can’t express it!

And this keeps us stuck for a long time because it gives us a sense of control. In an otherwise loser behaviour. But the thing is… there is, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

We just have to go and get it!